I'm glad you know that you never lost her love, and that you felt her ask for your forgiveness. I had a similar experience, and it lightened grief to finally give it. I never doubted that my mother loved me, even at times when the mother-daughter struggle meant I felt the planet wasn't big enough for the both of us to share, and I didn't care which of us left it. She was my rock, and my best friend. Only those who love and are loved by us really have the power to wound us so deeply, but they are also our strength and healing. And through them, we realize we deserve to love ourselves, to see ourselves as they see us - unconditionally worthy of love.