I prefer the dictatorial approach to the usual, milquetoast "Feel free to read my stuff, blah blah blah" so many writers resort to.

That's pathetic. At least with dictatorial, I can be a dick--I mean, dissident--and retort "No! F*** you! Down with Medium!" (seems to be a winning strategy around here, anyway, right?)

But I love your more creative options. It would be great if we could just devise our own pitch.